


I Don't Love You

by gaylirose



Series: Insomnia - Phan One Shots [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Based on a My Chemical Romance Song, First Kiss, Happy Ending, Love Confessions, M/M, PINOF, Rejection, Songfic, i don't know how to tag ?????, i don't love you song fic, younow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-23
Updated: 2017-04-23
Packaged: 2018-10-22 22:32:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10706502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaylirose/pseuds/gaylirose
Summary: [based off of my chemical romance's song of the same name]In which Phil is confused about his feelings about his roommate who just confessed his love for him.Or when Dan admits that he's in love with his best friend, Phil panics. After running into a coffee shop where two girls happen to be watching his and Dan's first video together, he realises that he does in fact love Dan and rushes home to surprise him with a kiss.





	I Don't Love You

**Author's Note:**

> this is kinda shit and i wrote it ages ago (originally posted on my wattpad)

A long, guilt laced sigh left Phil's cold lips. His hands clenched in tight fists, hidden by the fabric of his jacket pockets, as he wandered, shoulders slumped, through the rainy London streets. He knew this time would eventually come. To be completely honest, he expected it sooner. 

He knew early on about Dan's feelings. They (Dan's "feelings") weren't exactly subtle, hence more than three million people insisting that Daniel Howell and Phillip Lester were madly in love. Only in reality, it was only one sided.

A bus flew past Phil splashing muddy water from the gutter onto Phil's side, drenching him more than he already was. His eyes drifted up to watch the offending bus round the corner ahead, a flurry of emotions drifting through him as he saw himself and his flatmate plastered across the YouTube advert on the side of the red bus. Guilt, worry, hurt, and emptiness flooding him and drenching his inside like the bus had drenched him.

When Dan had confessed what Phil was afraid to finally hear, he panicked. Dan was a mess, recalling their life story together, saying how from how much he adored the older man back when they first met in person late 2009, to how much he regretted pushing his feelings away in 2012, to now where he said he couldn't wait any longer to say those dreaded three words.

Phil was speechless, guilt rising though his body like bile. He didn't want to hurt Dan, he didn't want to see the younger boy cry, he didn't want to crush his dreams and see tears fall from his fragile chocolate eyes. But he didn't want to lie either. He didn't want to lie to Dan and he didn't want to lie to himself.

So he told Dan the truth. That he, Phillip Lester, did not love him. 

And now, in the late hours of the night, with rain pouring from the sky above masking his tears, Phil walked the streets of London. When Phil looked up to see Dan's reaction he'd expected tears or at least some sort of emotion from Dan's face. What he didn't expect was this emptiness as all traces of emotion and life drained from Dan's features as he averted his gaze from Phil's sorrowful blue eyes.

"Oh." Dan had said, his Adam's apple bobbing as he swallowed thickly, his head bowed staring at the blue and green patterns of Phil's duvet.

"Sorry." Phil whispered, hoping to catch Dan's eyes for some sort of flicker of emotion. 

Phil swallowed down the urge to cry and plead for their friendship to remain the same and apologize for not returning Dan's feelings despite not having any control over the matter.

He didn't want to force those feelings on himself, knowing it'd just end up hurting them both in the end. But he hated seeing Dan like this.

"No. It's okay."

Before Phil could reply, Dan was dragging himself out of Phil's room and into his own, the door closing behind him with a soft click.

Phil's feet scuffed on the wet pavement, eyes trained on the mud soaked laces of his sneakers. Caught in the spiral of emotions flooding through his mind he found himself standing outside a coffee shop. He and Dan had been there a few times, it wasn't a far walk from their apartment.

Pulling his hood further over his head, hiding his tear drenched face in the shadows of the fabric. The bell dinged above his head as he made his way straight to the counter, not daring to look up at the barrister that greeted him.

"Just a small coffee thanks." He tried to speak clearly, though his voice was strangled and hoarse. 

Thankfully the barrister understood him, telling him the price getting his change from the till. He sent Phil a sympathetic smile as he got to work with the coffee.

The barrister handed Phil the hot foam cup with a smile, telling him to enjoy the rest of his day.

If only it was that easy.

The café was pretty much empty besides the two girls huddled together in a booth on the back wall, a laptop in front of them and a pair of earphones shared between the pair.

Phil sat in the booth two behind the girls, blowing softly on his beverage to cool it down. The blonde haired girl had her head on the shoulder of the darker haired one, both of them giggling softly to each other as they watched the laptop hidden from Phil's view. 

"AH! They're so cute!"

"They're such fetuses! Look at how long their hair is!"

"Oh God here come the heart eyes..."

The blonde one shifted, tapping one of the laptops keys and taking her earphone out. 

"I'll be right back, don't press play till I get back I want to see part where my heart explodes into a million pieces." She placed a quick kiss of the dark haired girl's lips before heading off towards the bathroom. 

Phil's eyes drifted back to the girl's open laptop, his eyes going wide at the picture paused onscreen. There, he saw himself, in his old bedroom, the green and blue walls looking as tacky as ever, cat whiskers drawn on his face as his cheek was pressed against his best friend's chest. Dan was mid laugh. Phil could still hear it in his mind, that same laugh from all those years ago. Warmth spread through Phil's chest as he stared absent mindedly at the frozen frame of the first video he and Dan had filmed together on the day they had finally met in person. It was still hard to believe that it was nearing the 7th anniversary of the series, the 7th anniversary of the day the met. New tears threatened to spill from Phil's eyes, what had he done?

The blonde girl returned, snuggling closer to the other girl- (possibly her girlfriend? They were cute together regardless), (was this what his and Dan's fans though about them? In a slightly more creepy way?) –and put her earphone back in.

The girls continued watching the video, small squeals and giggles occasionally escaping their lips. Phil sipped on his coffee, his mind swirling.

He had never really thought about the possibility of dating his best friend. It seemed like foreign territory. When it became clear to him that Dan obviously had a crush on him he pushed it aside and ignored it. He ignored the way Dan would stare at him and not the camera, how he'd bite his lip and drag it between his teeth while Phil would be talking to the camera. Eventually it'd come to Dan's part to speak and he wouldn't be prepared, making them have to restart. He brushed off moments when Dan would immediately lighten up the moment Phil would come home from wherever he had been no matter if it had been a few hours or a few days. When Dan had been struggling with collage Phil was there to bring him back and make him smile because he hated to see Dan sad.

Phil's chest ached, his blood running cold as he shot up from his seat rushing out of the café as quick as possible. His feet pushed him through the streets, ignoring the rain that had gotten much heavier in the past few minutes. He pushed past pedestrians, mumbling a quick "sorry" as he rushed past them, ignoring their rude comments.

He bounded up the stairs to their apartment, flinging the door open and slamming it shut behind him. He ran straight up to Dan's room, opening his door and stepping inside.

"Phil?" Dan whispered, turning away from his laptop. YouNow broadcasting from his PC, his laptop open on twitter. 

The chat spammed with comments about Phil. "PHIL! – omg pHIL – is phil okay?"

Dan stared wide eyed at his older roommate standing at his door, drenched in rain, with his black hair flat across his forehead. Phil didn't speak, swallowing the lump in his throat and walking forward, grabbing Dan's cheeks in his hands, staring deeply into his wide eyed browns watching as they fluttered shut and he leaned in, molding his mouth to Dan's.

Overcoming his shock, Dan let his arms wrap around Phil's neck, bringing him closer and moving their lips together slowly and sweetly. Phil stroked Dan's flushed cheeks with his thumbs, gently breaking the kiss.

"I'm sorry." Phil whispered against Dan's soft lips. He pecked his lips once more before stepping back, staring into Dan's eyes with a soft smile and taking in his flushed state. 

He turned to leave before hearing Dan whisper a "bye" to his audience and closing the browser.

Before Phil could reach Dan's door, a hand fell on his shoulder, spinning him on the spot. Dan's lips were back on his, Dan's hands threading through his hair. Phil's hands found Dan's hips, scrunching the fabric of his sweater in fists as he took dominance in the kiss. He ran is tongue over Dan's lip, bringing it between his teeth with a tug. A moan bubbled in the back of Dan's throat as he pulled on Phil's hair. Phil's mouth left Dan's lips but quickly attaching to Dan's neck. He stiffened under Phil's touch before relaxing with a loud moan when his tongue grazed the sensitive spot just above his collar bone.

"I'm sorry I panicked earlier." Phil whispered, hot breath tickling against Dan's neck. "I didn't know what to feel, I've never been in love before. But then I realized," Phil lifted his head, looking into Dan's hooded eyes. He brought his hand up to cup Dan's cheek, pressing a soft kiss on his swollen lips. "I've been in love for six years."


End file.
